A 9-question test, and why the answer changes everything you do next

On Monday your manager presented your analysis to the executive team as his own, and on Wednesday he called you by the wrong name in front of a client. By Friday you have skimmed four articles about narcissism, and every one of them seems to describe him. Those same pieces also describe an exhausted manager who was promoted before anyone taught him how to lead people. The distinction matters, because one of these bosses can be managed and the other usually has to be endured.

The common reaction is to put a diagnosis on him and then act according to that diagnosis. This tends to backfire, since a label does not tell you what to do. If he is simply bad at the job, treating him like a narcissist makes you wary of someone who might have agreed to help. If he really is a narcissist, treating him as merely clumsy can cost you a year spent waiting for him to change.

Here is a test instead: nine questions, put to five everyday situations. A boss who is weak at the job will fumble, improve a little, and then forget. A self-centered boss punishes you for voicing your opinion.

1. The credit goes missing

A tempting response is, "You know I did that work."

A sharper version would be, "I'm pleased the CEO responded well to it. For the next phase in Baltimore, I'd appreciate the chance to take her through my part of the work."

What to watch for: three questions. Does he agree? Will that promise still stand once the meeting actually begins? Does he mention your name on his own when others are around? A poor manager agrees and then forgets, and a quick reminder usually fixes it. A narcissist agrees, then finds a reason you cannot attend.

2. You bring him a problem he caused

A tempting response is, "This happened because you moved the deadline."

A better phrasing is, "The timeline slipped and cost us a full week. Here's the plan I'm proposing to make up that time."

Watch for two things in his reply. Is his attention on solving the problem or on assigning fault? Does the talk stay on the work? An incompetent manager gets flustered and then grateful for the help. A self-absorbed manager may go cold, recasting the lost week as time you somehow squandered.

3. You ask for something small

The instinct is to request nothing at all, since asking seems dangerous.

A stronger move is, "I'd like Friday afternoon for the leadership workshop. The deliverables are covered."

Pay attention to two questions. Does he hear your request as useful input, or as a sign you've turned against him? Is there a price you'll pay down the line that no one brings up openly? Weak managers tend to forget the commitments they made. Narcissists keep a running tab.

4. You disagree in a meeting, respectfully

The pull is to keep silent until things feel secure.

A better approach is to say, "My view on this is somewhat different. Could I present the other side of the argument in roughly two minutes?

Watch for one thing. What does your position look like when the meeting ends? A feeble manager may brood for the next hour. A narcissist begins a quiet campaign, and your next review contains the phrase "not a team player."

5. Something goes well without him

A tempting response is, "The client meeting went great. You didn't miss anything."

A better response would be, "The client has approved it. I'd value your perspective on what we should do next."

What to watch for: one question, and the most telling. Is he able to be happy for your win when he wasn't part of it? A poor manager usually can. A narcissistic one cannot, and you will feel the chill for a week.

The guiding rule underlying all five

Count up the responses. If his pattern is mainly clumsiness and forgetfulness, he is likely just struggling in the role, and you can handle him by sending written follow-ups and staying patient. If his pattern is mainly punishment, quit expecting him to change, keep a record of everything, and start weighing what staying versus leaving would cost and offer you. Tulshyan and Burey argued in Harvard Business Review that the imposter label places a systemic problem on the individual. A poor boss behaves in exactly this way. The root of the problem is not something wrong with your character.

Pass this along to the colleague in Greater Baltimore who keeps wondering whether she is the cause. It isn't.