Why decisiveness reads as "difficult" on you, and the three moves that change the read
For two decades the guidance has stayed the same. If a decisive stance comes across as "difficult" when you deliver it, tone it down. Smile more. Open with "I could be mistaken, but." Thank everyone for their patience. Surround the hard decision with enough goodwill that no one registers that a choice was made. Coaches label this managing perception, and they generally mean it kindly.
Cushioning does not dissolve the penalty. It reinforces the assumption that your authority requires an apology, and it strips away the clarity that made the decision sound in the first place.
1. The penalty attaches to the speaker, so adjusting your delivery doesn't lower the cost
Studies of the likability penalty have repeatedly shown that the same request is heard as assertive from a man and as demanding from a woman. The phrasing is identical. How people respond depends largely on the speaker's identity. Refining your delivery addresses a factor the evidence says is beside the point, while leaving the factor that matters untouched.
2. Polite requests have already been tested at scale
In 2023, Kray, Kennedy and Lee at Berkeley Haas reported that 54% of women negotiated their most recent job offer, compared with 44% of men, and women still ended up earning less. Women are not failing to ask. They ask, often with great care, and still pay the penalty. If courtesy were the fix, that gap would have narrowed long ago.
3. Hedging costs you on the next decision
Every "I might be wrong" stays on the record. When the next hard call arrives, colleagues recall that you hedge and interpret the new decision through that lens. A man who made the same call without qualifiers is now "decisive." You are now "unsure." You have paid the penalty twice: once for being a woman, and again for the padding you added to avoid being one.
Where the traditional guidance still applies in Baltimore and Central Maryland
Warmth is a genuine asset, and many of the women leading Baltimore's organizations have plenty of it. The error lies in assuming that kindness has to be paid for with a loss of credibility, when it is in fact its own kind of strength. Be kind. Be clear. Don't trade one for the other.
A stronger option
Ground the choice in a clear, shared benchmark. "Our policy is that nothing goes out without the security review, and this one hasn't received it yet." Once you say that, the room stops arguing with you and starts addressing the standard. It is debating the rule, and rules rarely get labeled difficult.
Circulate it on paper before the meeting. A call delivered in writing, backed by stated rationale, is received as a matter of procedure. Announced in a live setting, the identical choice comes across as a matter of temperament. Send the memo, then convene the meeting to discuss it, and let the document carry the firmness.
State the cost before anyone else can. "The vendor will be annoyed, but I'm proceeding anyway because our audit risk is too high." By naming the likely pushback yourself and attaching it to a concrete reason, you take away the chance for anyone to label you as "difficult." Explanations are what people tend to assume confident men have on hand. Give yours out loud.
Which choice in Baltimore are you currently watering down, when you'd state it outright if you believed the room would see it as leadership?